Survivor 29: What The Actual Fuck


I'm a Tool
I'm a Tool
I'm a Tool
I'm a Tool
"Well yeah, of course I'm the looks. But I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks." - Dennis Reynolds, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, S04E02


Another week goes by, and I ask once again, "What the fuck are contestants on Survivor 29 doing?" No, no, no... seriously. WHAT THE FUCK ARE CONTESTANTS ON SURVIVOR 29 DOING?! Four boots have happened so far, and four times I've wondered just how stupid people can get? I don't think I've seen voting this confused since the first season! Before people even knew what Survivor strategy was, they knew how to play better than these idiots! On Hunahpu, I was a big fan of Keith, Jeremy, and a minor fan of Kelley. After this episode, Kelley was the only one who played semi-well, while Keith and Jeremy both fucked up royally. Now, don't get me wrong, I still think Keith is a great guy, and I still think Jeremy could redeem himself, but oy gevalt. They have some ground to make up.
Then we get to the issue of Drew Christy. Never before has an episode of a show gotten me to hate a character/contestant in as little time as this episode of Survivor did. Alright - maybe I hated Zooey Deschanel's character on New Girl in less time... but that's the only exception. Drew Christy was not only an unbelievable douche and an unbelievably bad player, he was also unbelievably not self aware. Just off the top of my head, I'm pretty sure the words "Basically I'm a badass and manipulator of this game" came out of Drew's mouth. Even if you are Samuel L. fucking Jackson who is manipulating the game like Chris from Vanuatu, you should never utter those words. Gah - I'm sorry. I'm rambling here. Let's get into what went down this week.

So, to start us out, we see Drew being an asshole. The tribe finds their lost flint, and Drew decides he'll barter with Jeff for the flint. This of course does not work out, as Jeff, unlike the contestants on Survivor. has no real use for flint. The biggest problem with this episode is SO MUCH of the episode was just Drew being an asshole, that there's little else to talk about! Thus, whenever he is an asshole, I'm going to just write DA, standing for DREW ASSHOLE. Good? Awesome. Let's move on. After the failed bartering attempt, the mono a mono reward challenge begins. This time around, it's was Jon verses his girlfriend, Jaclyn. Unsurprisingly, Jon won the challenge and, unsurprisingly, made a stupid move afterwards. He sent Drew, the self proclaimed "ladies man" to exile with Jaclyn. This gave Drew a good opportunity to stare at Jon's girlfriend's ass and to do some DA stuff. On Exile, this is exactly what goes down. They also find a clue to a hidden immunity idol, but with the intelligence of these two players, it shouldn't matter much.
Back at the Coyopa camp, Drew's brother, Alec, is also a total asshole. He and Baylor get into a fight, and she says how he's an annoying younger brother. Alec then says that he's the responsible one, because his dad knew Drew would never be worth a damn. How astute by their father! Josh, all the while, observes his tribe, knowing that he is leaps and bounds ahead of them strategy-wise.
Meanwhile, at Hunahpu, Keith goes looking for the hidden immunity idol. After searching for a measly half an hour, he decides that Jeremy, his prime ally, must have it. He then tells everyone on the tribe that Jeremy has it, so watch out!
Okay - look. I still really like Keith. He is still the most fun guy to watch this season, and he is still incredibly quotable. But that being said, He's not the most intelligent player. Telling everyone that your primary ally is a big threat is not a good idea. Also, it sets off Jeremy hating Keith. Jeremy, understandably, is really pissed. He then decides he wants Keith out of the game. Unfortunately for Jeremy, Keith finds the idol! Huzzah!
Oh wait... shit, I do have to go over something about Drew on Exile Island. Aside from ogling Jaclyn's ass, Drew also tells viewers that there are snakes on his tribe, and that he needs to throw the challenge to get rid of them. There's a penis joke to be made about Drew and a snake, but I won't indulge you. There's also a bible allusion to be made about Drew himself being a snake. And, while we're on the subject of the bible, we could also compare Drew and Alec to Cain and Able. The problem is that they're both douche bags, so it wouldn't be quite as fitting. Where was I? Oh, right - throwing a challenge. Drew decides to the throw the challenge to vote out Kelley, the girl who is now a snake because "she's seen every episode of Survivor".

 Drew's anaconda don't. Drew's anaconda don't. Drew's anaconda don't want none if you've seen every episode of Survivor, hun.

Anyways, heading into the immunity challenge, we see that it will be a water race to gather rings which will then be thrown onto a little post to win immunity. Jeremy proves some stereotypes by sitting out, and then we get to the challenge. Up until the actual ring-tossing, everything is pretty even. But, then, Drew volunteers to throw the rings. As he said he would, he fucks up the challenge and... DA.
At the Hunahpu tribe, everyone begins to voice their opinions about who to vote out. Jeremy says he wants Keith out because of the idol dilemma. Jon has he wants Julie out because she has no loved one. Keith says he doesn't want to spoon with anyone. Reed says nothing because apparently he pissed off someone in the editing department. Drew tells everyone that he will not listen to their opinions, and that Kelley is going home. That is that.
Meanwhile, the girls, lead by Kelley and Natalie, decide to vote for the intolerable douche, Drew! Even though there's four girls and five guys, they think the guys will be so disjointed that they could still get Drew out. What-do-ya-know, they're right!
At tribal, shots start a-firing. Jeremy ruins his previously good strategic reputation by telling Keith that if he had just not fucked up their alliance, they could have had a sub-alliance behind everyone's back. Way to make yourself not a threat Jer! Jon actually states that he has no idea who to vote for, proving himself to be a competent, prepared, player. And of course, DA. With that, it's time to vote. As Jeff began to read out the votes, I couldn't believe my ears. Four different people were voted against, with Drew (thank the lord) being the one voted out. In the end credits, the votes were revealed, bringing even more confusion. As it turns out, Jeremy and the girls all voted for Drew, Keith and Reed voted for Julie, Jon voted for Keith, and Drew voted for Kelley. Huh?! I guess Jon thought that he and Jeremy would vote for Keith while Keith and Reed thought the guys would vote for Julie. Uhg. What a clusterfuck.

And, when looking at the first four episodes of Survivor 29, that is really the accurate word to describe it. Clusterfuck. From Nadiya's offending of Josh to Rocker's many verbal mistakes, to Val's double immunity idol lie, to DA, this season has been one big clusterfuck. But, ya know what? It's a hell of a lot of fun to watch.

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