The Bastard Executioner: Blood and Gore in the Days of Yore

A new Historical Drama!

 "I don't criticize you! And... if you're worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense." - Lucile Bluth, Arrested Development, S01E10




FX's new medieval drama, The Bastard Executioner, premiered last Tuesday night, bringing with it an excessive amount of sex, violence, and Welsh people (who probably aren't really Welsh.) The two part premiere had its ups and downs, but in an overall sense, disappointed.

Wilkin Brattle
Our story begins on a man named Wilkin. He's a large, rather badass looking man, who, though he dreams of bone dragons eating him, is at peace with his past. He's been a fierce warrior before, but because of his marriage, fatherhood, and devotion to his nice little town, has put down the sword in favor of the wooden farming tool that I don't know the name of.
Wilkin's life is a nice one, wandering through town, talking to the supernatural mages who live on the outskirts of town (one of which is played by the show's creator, Kurt Sutter,) and joshing around with the other men of the town. There's an African American one, an old one, a man who looks like Hagrid, and a man who looks like a Vulcan. As far as we know, our characters will go on living the most peaceful life, and the show will detail the day to day lives of the Welsh in the early 14th century. Tales of agriculture, local politics, and... what's this? The residents of Wilkin's town are about to be slaughtered? Nevermind. It seems that in this tale, things are going to go south for the titular Bastard Executioner.

In the nearby kingdom of Something Welsh That Starts With a V, we meet the Erik and Love Ventris, the baron and baroness of the Kingdom. They have set a tithe on Wilkin's town, and after making the least passionate love on the planet, send out their tax men to enforce it. Also at the kingdom, we meet our resident Little Finger, Milus Corbett, played by True Blood's Stephen Moyer, Father Ruskin, played by Timothy V. Murphy, and a couple other rather stereotypical fantasy archetypes. Word of the tithe quickly spreads to Wilkin and his friends, who decide to attack the tax collectors in the woods in order to.. stop the tithe? This seems like a poor plan, but it's one that is executed (no pun intended) quite well, bringing an end to the taxmen and royally pissing off Erik Ventris.

Baron Ventris
If the opening flashback of battle and the woods scene of hapless taxmen wasn't enough bloodshed for one episode, then the subsequent events certainly fulfill that quota. Ventris, Corbett, and the forces of Something Welsh That Starts With a V flood into Wilkin's town while he is away, and after a quick questioning of the residents of the town, decide to kill every man, woman, and child around. We see Wilkin's son get his throat slit, his wife get stabbed by Kurt Sutter's Dark Mute, and basically everyone who didn't go on the Tithe-stopping trip get slaughtered, burned, and thrown into a pile of bodies resembling the "Bring out Your Dead" guy's from Monty Python's Holy Grail.

When he returns to town, Wilkin sees his dead family and friends, and immediately digs up his sword from his tent, mounts his horse and goes off to get vengeance. The Baron hears of this little insurrection, and meets Wilkin in a field with his cavalry, ready to kill the angry peasants. Little does Mr. Ventris know that Wilkin and co. have some how gathered a legion of other angry peasants in the intervening twenty minutes, ambushing Ventris from all sides, killing all of his men, and finally putting a blade from Ventris himself. Also killed in the battle is the executioner for Ventris's kingdom who helpfully is known by one person in the entire Kingdom, and is so abusive to his wife and child, that they don't want to associate with him.

After the battle, Wilkin and his friends go to the Kingdom of Something Welsh That Starts with a V, bringing the corpse of Ventris with them, and say they fought alongside the Good Baron until his dying day. When asked who they are by the now reigning Love Ventris and Milus Corbett, Wilkin says he is the executioner that died. Milus's brother protests, saying that this man is an impostor, but being the Little Finger that he is, Milus doesn't believe him, and the executioner's wife and child decide spur of the moment to go along with the lie because their husband/father was that much of an ass. From there, Wilkin is welcomed into the Kingdom, and at the end of the pilot, executes Milus's brother, putting to bed all suspicions of his true identity or goal. Sound far-fetched yet?

Aside from rather lazy revenge story plotting and stereotypical characterization, The Bastard Executioner suffers from its goal as a show. At first glance, we're given a Game of Thrones type program, only without the politics, scope, or thought. However, when inspected, Wilkin Brattle's story is more of a lone one, giving us a narrowed character study of a character that, unfortunately, just isn't that well drawn. Additionally, though there are fantasy aspects of the show, paralleling Game of Thrones, they're never explicitly shown, only leaving us to wonder if the Dark Mute and the Witch are just weird Welsh people or actual fantasy creatures.
Milus Corbett

The amount of blood, gore, and sex also gets a bit ridiculous after a short time viewing the pilot. We're introduced to three characters by seeing them have sex with someone, watch countless characters get brutally slaughtered without any real impact due to their amount of screentime, and even get to be subject to Baron Ventris dropping a deuce whilst giving orders to Milus. Though I appreciate the dirty yet authentic feel of the show as opposed to the glamour in The Tudors or even Game of Thrones, the sheer amount of debauchery makes whatever impact it had at first lose all importance as the show goes on, numbing viewers to it.

Finally, though I know it's a bit of a loose term, classifying The Bastard Executioner as a historical drama should really be outlawed. It's no more historical than Lord of The Rings, despite taking place on our planet. Yes, Wales is a real place, yes, England is a real place, and yes, executioners do exist. The historical facts stop about there. Wilkin Brattle, The Kingdom of Something Welsh That Starts With a V, and the absurdity of Kurt Sutter's Dark Mute have never been written about in textbooks, as far as I know.

In an overall sense, The Bastard Executioner feels like a swing and a miss. There's just nothing really going for it. At least The Strain or American Horror Story are silly fun. Kurt Sutter's "historical drama" isn't exactly a fantasy cornfest, giving it a fun upside, isn't well written enough to be a dark, dense, Welsh True Detective, and doesn't even really have the acting to give it post-season five of Dexter upside. Perhaps it'll pick up the pieces in the coming episodes, but if it doesn't enthrall in the next hour or two, I won't be around to see it.


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